Schizamore: September 2009 Archives

I have lived a long and full life.  It's been a wild ride and I'm quite certain it's got many loop-de-loops left to spin through.  I would not trade a moment of the life I've lived so far for anything.  I learned lessons, I taught lessons and I'm still learning yet today!!! 

Part of that life has been the "open-book" section.  Actually, all of it has been that way.  From the time I was a toddler walking up to strangers in the mall and scaring the life out of my poor mother to the present. 

The only secrets I keep are the ones given to me in absolute confidence.  You know, personal information about others that is not my business to share.  However, my own business has usually been right out there on the beautifully set dining room table for the whole world to see.  Or, in many cases, read about on the internet. 

I am absolutely who I am.  The good, the bad and the not-so-completely-attractive.  Let me be clear.  I LOVE me!!  The people who matter love me, too. 

In all the good things, there are admittedly some outstanding decisions on my part (please read that dipped heavily in sarcasm and served up on a rusty platter).  I have certainly made mistakes and learned many a hard lesson because of them. 

I spent years rebelling.  Well into adulthood even.  I will probably do so until the day I am unable to speak.  At my age it tends to take more creative forms like writing, acting and singing my heart out at random times. 

If you think for a second that those close to me don't know who I am, then you've made a terrible misjudgment and you might want to consider having your head checked. 

Love & Kisses,
Holly

I wish I had them.  Right now, I'm flying on a wing and a prayer and holding on for dear life.

You see, I have a daughter.  She is so much like me, it's unreal.  It's also heartbreaking. 

She's going through some things right now that I recognize.  It's like looking into the past and watching myself at that age.  I always thought "If only my mother understood."  It doesn't matter.  I *do* understand.  I still can't reach her.  I guess all 14 year old girls think their mothers don't know anything. 

Be strong, baby girl.  This, too, shall pass.  In the meantime, remember that I love you more than anything and even when I get frustrated at not being able to help, I am here.  Don't let go, baby.  Mommy will always be here.

Hoo boy!  It's been a while since I crawled quite so far into my own head.  *Digs out the cobwebs*

I'm not sure when it happened.  I'm not sure why it happened.  At some point in the last couple of weeks I decided I needed to get out.  Get up and moving.  The day the kids started school, my calendar started filling up, I started having to stop by the house to let the dog out and run out again. 

*note: I actually had to GET a calendar.  A large one.  In extreme visibility of me on a regular basis.

So, the current list looks something like this:

• Boys doing Scouts
• Me Volunteering for Scouts
• Joining the PWOC for once-weekly classes. 
  
• Madison doing 4-H
• Morgan and I auditioning for One-Act Plays
• Painting my house
• Involved in working for the FRG
• Possibly attending the German classes if I have time

There's more, but you get the idea.

So, I didn't REALIZE it was going to get quite so nuts so fast.  Last night I got home late and realized it had been that way for a couple of days. 

I'm also considering taking a friend up on the challenge of showing up at the gym at 0500 every morning. 

Now, here's where things get a little odd.  Today I don't have anything till this afternoon.  So I was taking the opportunity to clean some stuff up and give the walls a good once over before I paint them.  I was listening to music and I think I might actually have been "flitting" around the house.  I was singin' and dancin' and having a grande old time. 

It's been not completely unnoticable the last few days that I do find myself getting up and ready to go in the morning but still having thoughts of "I could just not do this" or "I'm really not feeling great.  I should stay home today".  But I've pushed them off and walked out the door anyway. 

I should mention that when I DO actually exit the building, I feel great.  It feels good to be outside, it feels great to be interacting with people.  I don't feel in the slightest like "I wanna go home".  Once I'm actually out there, I'm totally glad to be.  I live in Europe.  I'm surrounded by things to photograph.  There is a lot to do and see and experience. 

So.  Why?  WHY am I so happy in my house?? 

How many years did I wander the world, moving as often as possible?  My parents probably could write a small book with the addresses they've had for me.  Sure, it got less over the years.  When you have three small children, moving is - - - a challenge.  But part of that is why I joined the Army!  To see more of the world and give my KIDS the opportunity to do it early and perhaps avoid the nomadic existence I lived for so many years. 

And now.  While in Europe.  I - don't - want - to -go - anywhere.  What in the hell happened to me???  Uhm, where'd Holly go?? 

And I'm not complaining!  I love it.  I just kind of wonder what great cosmic joke is in play right now, ya know? 

However, I think I found the answer whilst "flitting" around my house.  I finally came *home*.  Not Europe.  Just MY home.  It's clean and beautiful and full of love.  They say the first year of marriage is the hardest.  It had it's moments.  But I'm home.  I cook.  I have occasional Family Game Night.  Dinners at the dining room table listening to stories of what the kids did today. 

I love my home.  Books & Movies on the shelves.  In their cases.  Recipes in my recipe box.  I occasionally have my shower curtain dry cleaned because of the hard water.  Wine in the wine cooler.  A plant that I've kept alive for many months blossoming.  My dog faithfully at my feet wherever I go in the house.  Amazing kids that LOVE me even though they are teens & pre-teens & HiI'mMax. 

Is everything perfect?  Hell no.  Nothing ever is.  But it's home.  It's my home.  And it makes me so happy to be in it and think that I finally made it. 

I saw on someone's door the other day - "Home Is Where The Army Moves Us".  And I think I got a little teary eyed.  I couldn't explain why at the time.  But I'm proud.  I'm proud to have been a soldier, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. 

So, yeah, it's work to get up and leave it behind.  But it is Heaven on Earth to come home to at the end of the day.  With my teenager watching TV with me or my Madison talking about finding a sentence for the Bonus Words on his spelling assignment or my Max writing a play on the computer.  My darling husband's unexpected phone call and always his return from far away.   

Of COURSE I'd want to come home to that.  What insane person wouldn't want to hide in that wonderful place? 

- "Dear Prudence,

            Won't you come out and play?  Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day! The sun is up, the sky is blue.  It's beautiful and so are you."

                                                                                      The Beatles