Recently in Writing Category

I'm extremely emotional today.  I'm ready.  I'm not ready.  I'm fine.  I feel like crap.  Need more time.  Wish that I could just get the "waiting" over with already.  Speak.  Don't speak.  Look at me like that.  Don't look at me like that.  I was there before, I should be there now, I should be here now.  

I'm weak, I'm strong.  I'm homesick and I don't want to leave home.  I am the cheerleader, the nurse, the midnight watch.  I am the proud, the loud and the brave.  I am the silent, the nervous & afraid.  I am the teacher, the student, I take it all in.  I love, I sigh, I pray, I sing. 

We're holding watch, we're sounding off.  See you soon, not soon enough. 

I am all of these things.  I am a DAMN Proud Army Wife, Mother, Daughter & Friend.  Thank your soldiers today!!!! 

This morning, I am pondering a question I've been asking for the last couple of years. 

"Do I want more kids?"

The answer, although not really surprising, is nahhh. 

I've spent the last 24 hours with two AMAZING kids.  They remind me of mine at those ages & they really make me smile.  They are cute and adorable and make me want to snuggle & kiss them till they just can't take one more second. 

It's not like one of those proclamations after hours of something bad where you go "OH HELL NO" and run screaming.  It's not even close. 

It is completely & simply that I LOVE this.  This happy cloud of "oooh you are toooooo cute for words!!!!" would burst if I actually had my own around 24 hours a day.  I so cherish these moments and I remember them fondly with my kids.  However, I also remember being at the end of my rope and ready to hide under a bed. 

I think, to be truly happy, I will live vicariously through friends and enjoy raising my very fuzzy baby. 

Now I think I understand why Grandparents love being Grandparents.  It's a good life. 

Gotta run!  We are watching Transformers & snuggling on the couch this morning. 

Last night, as I crunched over the leaf littered sidewalk with my footsteps over brittle leaves echoing in the cold, I realized it was awfully symbolic of things to come. 

This year, I did not get a picture of all three of my kids in costume together. 

This year, I did not have to watch three different directions while Trick or Treating. 

This year, I had to catch as catch can just to see them all. 

Where did the time go?  When did I transition from 3 little kids to 3 kids that are fighting their way to college??

Morgan was at a party and I saw her in passing a couple of times.  It was kind of like playing hide & seek all night.  "Honey, I saw blue hair...I'm gonna run get a few pictures of Morgan!"

Max is the only one I took Trick or Treating.  It was very strange not to be struggling to keep them all together.  It seems like only yesterday that I had Max in a stroller & was concerned about Madison tripping over his costume. 

Once upon a time, they would brave any weather for candy.  Last night Max says "Mom, I'm pretty much done.  It's too cold out here."  Really???  Really, Max?  Who ARE YOU??

When we got home, he proclaimed that I could pick out four pieces instead of three this year from his stash.  What a pal!

This is in response to Beth Fish's post about handwriting.  Go, read her blog! 

http://www.sothefishsaid.com/2009/10/click_to_enlarge_1.html

I found myself in a minefield of them recently and strongly considered just removing myself from the situations that seem to be creating them. 

I love my life.  I can right now name about 5 people that would drop everything and come running in the middle of the night if I needed it.  I have 4 that put up with my shit and unconditionally love me on a daily basis.  2 more that are always ready with a smile or an ear or a car.  Yes, these groups overlap and some belong to more than one group. 

I want for nothing.  Sure, I have dreams and hopes that I am still working on fulfilling, but I am in a great position to make them all reality.  I'm not saying every day is a perfect specimen of the American Dream, but it's pretty darn close. 

I have a massive family that never ceases to amaze me.  A husband that makes me feel like a beautiful princess when we aren't too busy to stop & smell the roses.  For the love of all that is good & crunchy...I have a dog that may as well speak English for as well as we communicate. 

And in my spare time, I get to spend some time on the stage.  WITH my kids.  It's good for my soul, I tell you!

Life, my friends, is outstanding. 

As with anything, there are certain challenges that one is faced with.  Let me see what my current occupation would read as on a resume':

Army Spouse Raising Teenage Girl, Tween Boy & Aspie Boy - Has EMT Certification But Currently Sharpens Skills in Pediatric & Veterinary Avenues. 

• Extensive Knowledge of Computers, Various Electronics, Light Home Construction/Repair, Hedgehogs & Cooking Without Burning Down The Kitchen
• Dabbles in Photography & Photo Editing
• Volunteers in the Community, Holds Position in Local Family Readiness Group
• Enjoys Singing & Acting with the Local Community Theater
• Tutor, Social Advisor & Life Coach
  

Note: Sometimes Spreads Self Too Thin

Oh, and while I'm doing all that, I try to have some semblance of a social life with both my local friends & keeping up with my friends and family back in the States. 

I do not have time to tiptoe around anyone.  Furthermore, I don't like tiptoeing when I don't even know why or around whom I am tiptoeing.  I spent enough time near land mines in Afghanistan.  I will not dodge invisible ones while I'm fighting the good fight on the homefront. 

If there is some issue to be addressed, address it head-on.  Just jump right in.  If you've spent more than 5 minutes around me, you might know I speak my mind.  Sure, I can be subtle when I need to.  I can even be downright professional.  But I don't ever sneak up on ya.  Please do me the courtesy of extending that to me. 

I have no problem jumping right into these eggshells and leaving a wake of Ham & Cheese Omelets behind me.  I will blow up the mines and watch the bridges burn.  Because I've got enough on my plate.  I don't need or desire the silent drama bullshit. 

So, as I'm standing at my sink washing dishes today, I had a rather deep intrusion into my psyche that I found a little interesting. 

You see, I was irritated with myself because I'd left this plate with the crumbs from my cheese & crackers lunch yesterday.  Time slipped away from me and I was rallying the troops to get dressed for a dinner party. 

It's worth noting here that the temperature has dropped into the 30's & 40's and Max was pretty sure he was walking out of the house in board shorts, a t-shirt & a scarf.  That held me up for a little longer than usual.

So my own rule of "RINSE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!" got thrown right out the window and I find myself at my sink scrubbing at some dried baby swiss on the knife.  I'm a little bent out of shape with myself. 

As I get further into the dishes I also am quite happy to see that soaking the Cuisinart Sauce Pan with Marshmallowy Goodness inside worked like a charm.  I love my cookware!!! 

Another note: Yesterday I made Kris some Crunch Berries Marshmallow Treats.

It comes pretty suddenly to me that as much as I complain about Kris' need for perfection, I do find myself more and more with an urge to don an apron and flit about the house whilst I listen to music.  Occasionally taking a time out for some Rock Band or Guitar Hero. 

This is in such a stark contrast to almost 10 years ago when I had a friend come clean my house because I had had surgery.  I think we almost lost her in my laundry room.   Des, I will never forget that!!! 

I'm currently in some, hmm...negotiations...with Madison's teacher about some missing work.  She asked me to look here at home.  I wanted to invite her to my house.  There isn't anything that's not organized.  I mean, my husband would probably complain that my Tetris skills with my camera/computer drawer is lacking, but seriously, there is no chance that there is anywhere to misplace random homework.

I have one "junk" drawer.  It's quite neatly organized. 

I'm not sure what happened, but I guess if I'm holding myself to a higher standard, that's a good thing.  On that note, I really must be getting back to cleaning up.  I still need to fix the bathroom after the whirlwind of 5 people getting ready for family portraits blew through. 

I'll leave you with what I told my husband last night.  I think it sums up who I am these days perfectly. 

I have lived a long and full life.  It's been a wild ride and I'm quite certain it's got many loop-de-loops left to spin through.  I would not trade a moment of the life I've lived so far for anything.  I learned lessons, I taught lessons and I'm still learning yet today!!! 

Part of that life has been the "open-book" section.  Actually, all of it has been that way.  From the time I was a toddler walking up to strangers in the mall and scaring the life out of my poor mother to the present. 

The only secrets I keep are the ones given to me in absolute confidence.  You know, personal information about others that is not my business to share.  However, my own business has usually been right out there on the beautifully set dining room table for the whole world to see.  Or, in many cases, read about on the internet. 

I am absolutely who I am.  The good, the bad and the not-so-completely-attractive.  Let me be clear.  I LOVE me!!  The people who matter love me, too. 

In all the good things, there are admittedly some outstanding decisions on my part (please read that dipped heavily in sarcasm and served up on a rusty platter).  I have certainly made mistakes and learned many a hard lesson because of them. 

I spent years rebelling.  Well into adulthood even.  I will probably do so until the day I am unable to speak.  At my age it tends to take more creative forms like writing, acting and singing my heart out at random times. 

If you think for a second that those close to me don't know who I am, then you've made a terrible misjudgment and you might want to consider having your head checked. 

Love & Kisses,
Holly

Hoo boy!  It's been a while since I crawled quite so far into my own head.  *Digs out the cobwebs*

I'm not sure when it happened.  I'm not sure why it happened.  At some point in the last couple of weeks I decided I needed to get out.  Get up and moving.  The day the kids started school, my calendar started filling up, I started having to stop by the house to let the dog out and run out again. 

*note: I actually had to GET a calendar.  A large one.  In extreme visibility of me on a regular basis.

So, the current list looks something like this:

• Boys doing Scouts
• Me Volunteering for Scouts
• Joining the PWOC for once-weekly classes. 
  
• Madison doing 4-H
• Morgan and I auditioning for One-Act Plays
• Painting my house
• Involved in working for the FRG
• Possibly attending the German classes if I have time

There's more, but you get the idea.

So, I didn't REALIZE it was going to get quite so nuts so fast.  Last night I got home late and realized it had been that way for a couple of days. 

I'm also considering taking a friend up on the challenge of showing up at the gym at 0500 every morning. 

Now, here's where things get a little odd.  Today I don't have anything till this afternoon.  So I was taking the opportunity to clean some stuff up and give the walls a good once over before I paint them.  I was listening to music and I think I might actually have been "flitting" around the house.  I was singin' and dancin' and having a grande old time. 

It's been not completely unnoticable the last few days that I do find myself getting up and ready to go in the morning but still having thoughts of "I could just not do this" or "I'm really not feeling great.  I should stay home today".  But I've pushed them off and walked out the door anyway. 

I should mention that when I DO actually exit the building, I feel great.  It feels good to be outside, it feels great to be interacting with people.  I don't feel in the slightest like "I wanna go home".  Once I'm actually out there, I'm totally glad to be.  I live in Europe.  I'm surrounded by things to photograph.  There is a lot to do and see and experience. 

So.  Why?  WHY am I so happy in my house?? 

How many years did I wander the world, moving as often as possible?  My parents probably could write a small book with the addresses they've had for me.  Sure, it got less over the years.  When you have three small children, moving is - - - a challenge.  But part of that is why I joined the Army!  To see more of the world and give my KIDS the opportunity to do it early and perhaps avoid the nomadic existence I lived for so many years. 

And now.  While in Europe.  I - don't - want - to -go - anywhere.  What in the hell happened to me???  Uhm, where'd Holly go?? 

And I'm not complaining!  I love it.  I just kind of wonder what great cosmic joke is in play right now, ya know? 

However, I think I found the answer whilst "flitting" around my house.  I finally came *home*.  Not Europe.  Just MY home.  It's clean and beautiful and full of love.  They say the first year of marriage is the hardest.  It had it's moments.  But I'm home.  I cook.  I have occasional Family Game Night.  Dinners at the dining room table listening to stories of what the kids did today. 

I love my home.  Books & Movies on the shelves.  In their cases.  Recipes in my recipe box.  I occasionally have my shower curtain dry cleaned because of the hard water.  Wine in the wine cooler.  A plant that I've kept alive for many months blossoming.  My dog faithfully at my feet wherever I go in the house.  Amazing kids that LOVE me even though they are teens & pre-teens & HiI'mMax. 

Is everything perfect?  Hell no.  Nothing ever is.  But it's home.  It's my home.  And it makes me so happy to be in it and think that I finally made it. 

I saw on someone's door the other day - "Home Is Where The Army Moves Us".  And I think I got a little teary eyed.  I couldn't explain why at the time.  But I'm proud.  I'm proud to have been a soldier, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. 

So, yeah, it's work to get up and leave it behind.  But it is Heaven on Earth to come home to at the end of the day.  With my teenager watching TV with me or my Madison talking about finding a sentence for the Bonus Words on his spelling assignment or my Max writing a play on the computer.  My darling husband's unexpected phone call and always his return from far away.   

Of COURSE I'd want to come home to that.  What insane person wouldn't want to hide in that wonderful place? 

- "Dear Prudence,

            Won't you come out and play?  Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day! The sun is up, the sky is blue.  It's beautiful and so are you."

                                                                                      The Beatles

If you're into hilarity, honesty & some of the best "It happened one time in the bathroom" stories you've ever read...You need to go by and read some of my favorites. 

There is the Fish -

http://www.sothefishsaid.com/

And the Cactus -

http://www.rudecactus.com/

Check 'em out.  They keep me laughing all week long!

Hey guys, be patient with me.  I do realize some of my entries have offset photos and it's screwing up the text.  I'm working on fixing it!